I remember 9/11.  I didn't personally know anyone who lost their lives as a result of it but the event changed my life nonetheless.

I had to acknowledge the evil in our world.  The evil that happened in other countries that I had read about in newspapers finally touched my life.  I mourned those that lose their lives because of terrorists.  Through my husband, I hear that first responders continue to die of cancer believed to be a result of carcinogens they were exposed to during the rescue.  I read the newspaper differently now. 

And I acknowledged my own mortality. 

I stopped accepting a life with regrets and I started living a life that took advantage of opportunities that were presented to me. 

I started doing more for others......

EX:  I started donating hair (in the name of friends and family who are associated with cancer), I made pet beds for shelters, with a group of friends I started making quilts for disaster victims and those that need comfort, and I started Angelgownsbyjacki

I took a few more of what I previously considered huge risks....

EX:  I took part in a long weekend trip to the first Mardi Gras after Katrina, I moved across country, I bought my first longarm, I finally accepted the limitations of my health and retired from my job, I took a cruise with quilting people I didn't know well, I forced myself to say "no" when I thought I was being abused or taken advantage of by "friends"

and I started doing more of what made me happy.

EX:  I love doing Angelgownsbyjacki, I am seeing more of my mom, I am spending more time sewing/quilting, I am doing the traveling I always wanted to do (Hawaii, NYC, Jamaica, Bahama, San Diego, etc) , I bought my "I always wanted one of those" car,  I joined a quilt guild, I upgraded to a bigger and better longarm

With these changes, I note that I have become less tolerant....  of takers... of abusers....  of those that that suck my happiness.  I haven't decided if that is a bad thing.  I am happy to help or lend a hand but I will not do it for them.  Each of us needs to make our own happiness and within our skills, we all have something to offer the world that will make us happy.  I have found some of mine.

At the end of the day, I know I am blessed.  I thank God for who I am and what I am.  I also know I can't change the entire world or eradicate the evil that is in it, so I am making me and my little part of the world a bit better.   That's all any of us can do.

It does not define me, but it does sometimes limit me...

I try not to go on much about my health.  Today is one of those "exception" days.  Consider it a public service announcement :).


While there is nothing about me (yet) that will cause my death, my laundry list of ailments causes me pain or discomfort 24/7.   Anyone who is in pain 24/7 knows that it can affect your mood or attitude, no matter how hard they try to keep a smile on their faces.

Fibromyalgia is the biggest threat to day to day attitude.   Fibro is a day to day, minute to minute, unpredictable threat to my ability to leave my house....  even leave my bed on some days.   The discomfort, pain, and sometimes severe pain that comes with fibro, on an unpredictable timetable, can incapacitate me, force me to cancel or leave events, get grumpy, or just seem "drunk".

It is a silent illness...  you can't see it so how can you know I have it?.  People may not understand why I sometimes act inappropriately, and thus, judge me on my behavior.   As a very wise person once told me, "What other people think of you is none of your business.  They base their judgments on their own experiences... or their ignorance, neither of which is your problem."

I found some easily understood information on a few of the oddest of the fibro symptoms on cancerfacts.org and I am sharing a shortened version with you.

I do not want you to avoid touching me, avoid making plans with me, feel sorry for me, distrust me, or look at me differently.   I still want hugs, I want grandkids to sit on my lap, I want to enjoy outings with friends, and I want to meet my commitments.  I make every attempt to live a normal life and I want those around me to do the same.  If I can not, know that I wanted to.

Allodynia. You might not give a second thought to rubbing a loved one’s shoulders or patting a friend on the back. But for someone with allodynia, being the recipient of these simple gestures can result in excruciating pain. Allodynia is a heightened sensitivity to touch, which results in pain from things that normally would not cause discomfort.

Sensitivity to fragrance. This fibromyalgia symptom is almost directly tied to allodynia and occurs for many of the same reasons. “Increased light, sound, and smell sensitivity are all common,” says Teitelbaum. “We have an enormous amount of sensory input coming in, and it takes energy to sort through all of this to separate the noise from the static. Fibromyalgia predominantly represents an energy crisis, and as the body has trouble sorting through the signal from the noise, it reflects as increased sensitivities.”

“Fibro fog.” Also called “brain fog,” this is a very serious fibromyalgia symptom that leaves many people in distress. “Brain fog or fibro fog is a classic component of the energy crisis we call fibromyalgia,” says Teitelbaum. Some of the common signs of fibro fog include a difficulty with word finding or substitution, loss of short-term memory, and occasionally even episodic disorientation that lasts for about 30 to 60 seconds. “With this disease, calling one’s husband by another man’s name is not a Freudian slip,” Teitelbaum notes. He explains that there is no single cause for fibro fog; rather, it can be caused by a combination of many factors including low thyroid levels, poor sleep, hidden infections such as Candida, and alterations in blood flow to the temporal lobes of the brain, which regulate speech.

Paresthesia. Paresthesia is an unexplained feeling of tingling and numbness that people with fibromyalgia may experience. Often it’s related to anxiety or nervousness over the disorder and can be accompanied by rapid, deep breathing. This in turn can lead to acroparesthesia, a tingling in the hands and feet from lack of carbon dioxide.

Excessive sweating. Some people with fibromyalgia perspire heavily and may even believe they have a fever. This is due to what’s called an autonomic dysfunction within the hypothalamus, the almond-sized area in the brain that controls sleep and regulates sweating, bowel movements, and other automatic body functions. “The autonomic dysfunction causes the increase in sweating,” Teitelbaum says.

I know that there are many, more serious, disorders and illnesses out there in the world. 

I am blessed to have been given illnesses or disorders that are not considered critical. 

And I am blessed with amazing and wonderful family and friends.

And the Fibro Awards go to.....

You may or may not know by now that I have Fibromyalgia.  You can look it up but basically, I am unpredictably fatigued (to the extreme) at any given moment and that I am pretty much in constant pain...  sometimes not so bad...  sometimes unbearable.   There is also a fog that goes along with it...  results in wordfind issues, unsteady gait, and confusion.   There are a million other symptoms but this short list is usually the bane of my existence.

I am not complaining about this, just explaining that I have to limit my daily activities, stress, and emotional exposure as it can, at any moment, set of a flurry of Fibro symptoms.  For a better understanding, click HERE to read the Spoon Theory,

Today, we stopped to pick up and drop off something at a friend's house, saw the movie "Gravity", walked across the parking lot to Joann's, hit Home Depot for things that our (most excellent) handyman will need this weekend, Walmart for a few odds and ends, and then to pick up Edna, my new treadle sewing machine (to read all about Edna, click HERE).  We stopped for dinner after picking up Edna but I was already on borrowed time when we were at Home Depot.

I don't really know when I hit the wall.....  DH says he can see it in my eyes...  but its well after that when I know and I usually find out by hearing about my unsteady gait (is she drunk?) or that I am grumpy, or that there is something wrong with me because I am unable to speak intelligently.

And when it got really bad, 5 doctors thought I should not continue to work.  I fought them for a year....  but finally, I had to concede.  I was blessed with a wonderful family and loving, caring people in my life that watched over me and helped me through whatever is going on.  But I simply couldn't hide it any longer.  I was depending more and more on people to cover for me and it wasn't healthy for them...  or me.

It has been a long time coming but THANK YOU to all that kept me going...  and laughing...   And like any Academy Awards speech, I will say that there are just too many to mention..... but there are a random few that stick in my mind:

Hubby, who bungies me onto the motorcycle so I don't go to asleep and fall off.
OCC, who threw paper clips at me if I fell asleep at my desk and the boss was in the area.
Megan, who cooks every meal while on vacation at the resort.
BJ, who calls every phone I own, and some I don't, to check on me.
Kathy, who always found the words ...  and the thoughts,  I lost.
Sherri and Randy, who left food at my door to make sure I ate.
Audi and Jen, who didn't laugh when I couldn't remember how to spell "the".
Sarah, Rory, and Rhyss, who babysat me for 3 months and held me down in bed so I would rest.
T and the Rodeo crowd, who looked for my grumpy face every week.
The Renter, who shoveled my driveway in like 5 minutes flat so I couldn't do it.
And Colleen, for showing me the door.

I could go on.....  Thank God I could go on....
And I could go on BECAUSE I am so blessed.

Thank you for loving me.