Should I have a surgeon general's warning on my forehead?

Why, oh why do I let this stuff upset me?  Because I have already suffered my maximum capacity of incompetent clerks, phone operators, and strangers that pass in the night...  or day?  Because working in customer service type environments for so many years has lowered my tolerance level for inappropriateness, untruths, and laziness to just about ZERO?  

This is sounding like one of the soap box speeches already....

I want to know why society makes us believe that one of these is apparently ok to say* and one is considered rude and offensive, even if both are true from the standpoint of the speaker:

"Hello, beautiful!

"Ummm, you are kinda ugly."

Weeks ago, I binged a series on Netflix titled "the sixties".  I remember bits and pieces of a lot of its subject matter as it was happening but admittedly did not really understand any of it...  and I  apparently did not pick up the highlights of the sixties in school or during my years SINCE the sixties. 

I decided to further my Readers Digest version of "highlights of semi-recent history" by watching "the seventies" and "the eighties". Very enlightening.  Apparently, I was too busy at the time to understand the impact of what was going on around me and remained pretty much completely resistance to absorbing the impact what happened in those years when it was offered as a review of history.

The efforts, as referenced in the series, made to promote acceptance of congenital traits gave me pause.  I knew about them, yet I didn't.  When they were happening, I really didn't understand why they were needed and what they meant.  It seemed they made so much headway... until the next episode.

Yes, I was pretty protected from world events during my younger years and the disinterest of my parents in the issues of the day assured me that I need not be aware or concerned about what was happening on the other side of our front door.

So my life goes on while I digest and consider what I saw in the series....  I usually need time to consider and reflect before I really decide how I feel about things.  But even during my contemplation, it seems we are still fighting the same fights..  over and over...  never ending....

I play online games...   how else do I get my Scrabble fix?  Somehow, my game profile contains an old photo that I had posted somewhere and through internet magic, here it is.  I don't remember posting it anyplace that was game related but who knows...  maybe I did.  And as I think we all do, I had chosen the photo because I thought it reflected a somewhat complimentary version of me.  Who would post a photo of themselves after cleaning out a septic tank?

So it came...    a new game and a new chat comment from someone I did not know and had never played before..  I expected "Hi, thanks for playing", "nice play", or "no vowels here" or something game related...  No, I got "hello, beautiful".

  

I immediately thought "what the heck!"

It was probably innocent, right?  He is probably laughing at his joke....  or maybe be meant it.  Either way, why would he think that comment would be important to me?

"Hello, beautiful!"  My gut reaction was to respond with "Excuse me but you are ugly."  But I didn't.  Oh, how I wanted to... but I didn't.  Sarcasm could be considered a congenital trait, right?

True, the accompanying tone and facial that would be presented with these comments are vastly different, if one were able to actually see the speaker.  The "hello, beautiful" comment might be coming from a drooling, anxious man with a horrid combover who is looking to score...  umm, something...  a phone number?  some time ? conversation? a notch on his bedpost?   Guess what!  Hello would have worked WAY better.   I might have even answered!

The facial expressions with the "excuse me but you are ugly" comment would probably arrive with a bit of distance between you and a slight look of shock or distaste from someone who has not ever heard this comment directed to them, because if it did, they wouldn't be saying it to anyone else.  From this one, one walks away hurt and one walks away somehow proud of themselves.  Bad... nothing but bad.  But we all know there is no winner in this one.  One is a loser because he is a jerk and the other is a loser only if he thinks he is... only if he let someone influence his view of himself.

Either way, everyone is judging, or being judged.  What if one does not wish to be judged by their looks?   

True, I chose that particular photo.  Is it considered vanity if I don't choose an uncomplimentary photo to present to the world?   Did I set myself up to be judged?    Did I invite this judgement?    Am I letting his words alter my view of me or my world.

Consider the joke about men driving certain types of cars when they move into a certain age bracket.  The implication I get from the joke is that the car makes the man be, or feel, something that his is, at that point in his life, not or is no longer feeling.   The joke has, over the millions of times it has been uttered, become a judgment about any man that buys a certain type of car.  Unfortunately, not all cars are purchased for this reason.  Fortunately, some men that drive these cars are actually nice guys...  Thus, some are judged correctly and some incorrectly.  Bottom line, everyone is judging and being judged.

Is is humanly possible to avoid judging?  Obviously, being judged falls under the "its someone else's problem".  Should we allow those judging us to alter the view we have of ourselves?  what if they are correct?  I guess I must decide if I like myself, my attitudes, my life, and what I am doing with it.  If I listen to him, consider his words, and decide he is right based on actual facts, then I think its my responsibility to decide if that's who or what I want to be.  If I listen and decide he is wrong based on the reality of my life, I should maintain my course.  What I shouldn't do is let him tell me who he THINKS I am and then start being what he said.   

True, I listen when someone gives me a compliment I like. I am human that way.   But my fear has always been that if someone were attracted to, say, my fancy car....   and for whatever reason, I lost what they were attracted to:  the car, they way I can pull a cork out of a bottle... would they no longer be interested?  Would the thrill be gone, so to speak?

I pretty much regret that I am this cynical.  I would love to say that its not my fault.  I know for sure that I was not born this way.  If fact, that's one of the few things I know for sure:  Cynicism is NOT congenital.  It is result of experience.  And not just one experience.   Not even two experiences....

So here we are.  I now find myself somehow pitying those that are no longer in their twenties with their butts glued to a bar stool and a cigarette hanging out of their mouth, still using the "hello beautiful" line.  Is that they best they can do?  It feels so...  I don't know..  maybe desperate.  So after about five seconds of contemplating his opening line, I already feel sympathy for him.  

Thus, I judge him.  Because I feel he judged me,  I am suddenly the judger.   How did that little role reversal happen?  and so fast....  Maybe he was nervous.... instead of saying what he wanted to, "hello beautiful" just popped out....  or maybe the dog ate his dating notes.  Regardless, is it that hard to just say "HI"?  And I suppose, if you are that nervous, the conversation was probably not going to go all that well anyway.  Sorry.  Sorry I judged but see above reference to CYNICISM.   I continue to try to be uncynical....  is there a 12 step program for that?

In my humble opinion, compliments from strangers hold more weight if you offer one based on something over which I actually have some control.... like accomplishments, abilities. or strengths , or even the shoes I chose to wear.  The other option is to find someone else to try the "hello beautiful" on...  not me.

We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....    But strangers shouldn't "be holding" me.

WOW, I am sounding old.   Or maybe I am sounding wise.  Probably intolerant.  A lot impatient.  Or maybe its just plain old fashioned cynicism.  

For those that are still paying attention: for future reference, opening a conversation with me by making a comment on my congenital traits, like "you are tall... did you play basketball", will be met with definite internal, and possibly external, eye rolling depending on my mood.  It MAY also get you a response such as "you are short... miniature golf?"  And if you keep going, I might suggest that you buy a sleek, fast, new car.  If you persist, I will ask you to do me a favor...  most likely, I hadn't tested my pepper spray for a while...  if you could be a dear and just step away from those other people, we will both see if its still active.

If you, as a stranger, want an adult conversation, make it a conversation. "Hello beautiful" will most likely get you a lot LESS than what you want.

If you are a friend, and you know who you are, go ahead and tell me I am grumpy and no one else in the world would complain about getting a compliment...  go ahead and say I am cynical I will tell you I don't care and we will have a glass of wine and laugh about all those life experiences that made us what we are.   I already know how you feel...  And you know how I feel...  no explanations are necessary. 

And as my friend, you can call me and open with "hello, beautiful".  I will laugh and say you forgot to include "young" and "smart".   Maybe compliments are not so bad...  most likely, its my attitude.

A photo from cousin's wedding....  I love this photo for every reason and no particular reason.

It only take a pinch of good to make a bunch better.

I am still fighting the fight.

So back to the series, "the sixties". 
And "the seventies". 
And "the eighties. 
And now today.....
Intolerance.  
Nothing much has changed, has it?  

* To clarify, I am talking about situations that occur outside work environment.